the Battle
by Crazy Ivan1
Summary: Two words: but we won't tell you what they are


THE BATTLE  
by Josh Carty  
"Grab yer bags, it's almost time t' get off!" yelled Nate angrily.  
"Get off? With whom?" said Josh. He was still half-asleep.  
"Off a boat!"   
"With a boat? That's peculiar..."  
Nate and Josh had been on the boat for three months.   
Nate removed his saber and swung it lightly as if it were a feather.  
"Awright, awright, I'm up..." Josh groaned.  
  
Nate and Josh got off the boat. Nate carried a saber of great antiquity and Josh brandished the bleached femur of his great grandfather.  
"You know they used to have boat lag before they had jets." Nate joked.  
"Did not."  
"Yes they did! What do you think they called it when they were tired after they got off a boat?"  
"I can relate to that. But you see, jet lag is acquired by changing time zones at extreme speed! However-"  
"Oh, that's just an old wive's tale! It's a neck condition that comes from-"  
An old man, known only as Genma Satome walked by. Josh popped some stupid old man crack and Nate started howling like a wolf with his foot tied to an immense firecracker. Genma conked him on the head with an oak cane.  
  
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"I can't stand it anymore! Those two idiots have been here for three months and they've been nothing but trouble ever since!" Genma was screaming to himself in the hallway about none other than our heroes, Josh and Nate.   
  
Ranma Satome was a strapping sixteen-year-old whose strength was matched only by his ego. He was also involved in a Chinese curse that made him turn into a busty red haired girl at the touch of cold water. He had been living in the Tendo dojo with his father, his fiancee' Akane, and her two sisters. He had volunteered to go downstairs at this time and see what Genma was on about.  
"Genma, what are you on about?" The Genmeister ignored Ranma and kept on babbling to himself like some raving maniac you might meet in New York.  
"Opening up a bar downtown! Letting any hooligan with three yen in to get drunk and raise a ruckus!" Genma finally turned to Ranma and started carrying on pointlessly at him for a change. "Do you know how I met them? Do you?"  
"Yawn.No." Ranma said. Akane had wandered in to see what all the racket was.   
"I was going down to the pier and they said something about being old or dead or something! And you know what I said to them?!"  
"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me." sighed Ranma.  
"I said, come on inside, have some milk and a rice ball! Because that's the kind of guy I am!"  
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Business had been slow at the Ancient Keg pub. Nate drummed his fingers and thought about the blue-haired girl he'd seen earlier. Josh washed the last of the dishes and thought about the strange white cat he'd seen earlier.  
"You know what I think is the most disstressing thing in the world, small friend?" Josh inquired.  
"What's that?"  
"Being lonely."  
"Hey, you've got me, haven't you? What would it be like if you ran this place without me?"  
"It would be like having taller friends to hang out with!"  
"Oh, that's low-"  
"You're low!"  
"You've gained weight!"  
Ranma walks in, Akane at his heels.  
Josh suddenly froze. His mouth was open and his eyes were wide, like someone stuck a tuna fish to his forehead.  
"You are the-" Nate started to say something really nasty but he realized his friend was a rock. "May I help you?"  
"The usual" Ranma said curtly.  
"You... order a different thing every time you come here." Josh came back to life.  
"I said the USUAL!"  
"Right. Okay." Nate turned around. Ranma couldn't see Nate roll his eyes at him.  
"H-hi. W-what'll you have?" Josh st-stumbled over his words like a drunk leg amputee attemping to go down a greased stairwell. Ranma just sighed.  
Akane noticed Josh's wide eyed stare as well as his pathetic attempt to hide it. She ordered the first thing that came to her mind. Scotch on the rocks, I think it was.  
"C-coming right up!" Josh turned around, zombie-like, and Akane noticed the yard long bone strapped to his back.  
'The memento from the first person he killed?' Akane couldn't help thinking. She put the thought away and told herself it was silly; still, she couldn't help the feeling that that bone would change her life.  
  
"Beer!" Nate exclaimed.  
"I said I wanted peach brandy!" Growled Ranma.  
"N-no you didn't..." Nate muttered, disgusted.  
"Please- just get him some peach brandy!" Akane pleaded.  
"Ya want a piece 'a ME?" Ranma's eyes bulged out with rage. It was almost comical- if you weren't there at the time.  
"Um... won't you be needing it later?"  
"That's it! You're goin' down!" Ranma jumped the counter and began to attack Nate. Nate drew his saber. Akane gasped. Josh turned the corner and saw what was going on. He dropped Akane's scotch and unsheathed his bone.   
Akane was paying too much attention to the following events for her own good.  
WHACK! Josh's great grandfather's femur connected with Ranma's head in such a way that Ranma's head, along with the rest of his body was sent flying over the counter and out the front door.   
  
Shampoo, the blue-haired amazon, plodded into the Ancient Keg. Suddenly, Nate turned into Past Josh, that is to say he went into a total state of paralytic trance.   
"Shampoo want red wine."  
"Y-y-coming up, ma'm." Nate blubbered. Josh spun the bone around his finger and admired Akane.   
"Are you a cardiologist?"Akane inquired.  
"No, but I'm a Carty!" (This was Josh's last name.)  
"Well, you sure are examining my chest!"  
"U.. um... heh heh..."  
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Akane and Genma were at the dinner table alone.  
"Tell me the truth." asked Akane of Genma. "What do you think of that Josh guy?"  
Genma could tell by the look on her face that she had been asked out by a certain hopeless romantic whose name had just been uttered, and that Akane had told him she was already engaged. Still, Genma said,   
"He's a worthless bum that runs a booze joint downtown! He should get a real job!" Akane looked away and just said,   
"Oh".  
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Genma had an evil moneymaking scheme, one of many that he had cooked up in his long existence. He hoped to arrange a match between Josh and Ranma for Akane. For a small fee, of course. He walked into the bar. Josh was practically lying on the counter, looking listless, like a limp rag. Nate was unusually bright and chipper, though, and it was no coincidence that Shampoo was around.  
"Josh, Nate, how're you doing!"  
"I'm just fine!" Nate said. It was almost as if he was being sarcastic, and was actually extremely pissed off, but he wasn't.   
Josh just groaned and drank some vodka.  
Genma asked, "So, Nate! Why ya so happy?"  
"Oh, ya know, it's just the way that everything seems to, um, well, you see, I'm in love with Shampoo. I mean, that is to say, uh..."  
An evil grin spread across Genma's wrinkled face. The thought of a match between Ranma and Nate, followed by the thought of more money, crossed his mind.  
"Um, you know, Shampoo's engaged to Ranma already." said Genma.  
"It true. Me am." Shampoo said in her trademark Amazon-speak.  
"What?" Nate exclaimed. The world was crumbling down around him.  
"Of course I could arrange a match between you and Ranma in the dojo. I could arrange one for your friend as well."  
"What will I gain if I win?"  
"Engagement to Shampoo." Genma spoke. Josh's head popped up for the first time.   
"What about me?"  
"You would win engagement to a certain short haired girl."  
"Ranma?"  
"No, Akane, you idiot!"  
"Thank you Genma!!!! thank you so mu- hold it! I know all about your get rich quick schemes! How much is this gonna cost?"  
"Oh, you know, about 200 yen apiece. A great deal, really!"  
"200 fucking yen a piece!?!" Nate and Josh yelled simultaneously.  
"Well, if you'd rather not, I would understand. I'll just run over and tell Akane you don't want to..." Genma slipped sleazily out the door.  
"Stop right there!" Josh yelled.  
"Oh?"  
"You've got a deal" Josh almost moaned. "I don't know why I'm doing this..."  
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It was the day of the great battle. Josh and Nate were dressed accordingly, as was Ranma. Josh was to go first. Ranma looked at him hatefully. Josh thought to himself, 'I sure hope that 200 yen doesn't go to waste..." Akane had to wish luck to both of the combatants.   
Ranma simply smirked and said, "I don't need luck".  
Akane caught Josh talking to the bone he brandished.  
"Alright, great gramps, I know you never liked me very much, but could you please just help me a bit?"  
A bell sounded. The fight was to begin.  
Josh bowed politely and said, "You're a good man, I'd hate to see you go to waste."  
Ranma simply increased the hatefullness of his gaze.  
The bell sounded again. The match had begun.  
Josh unsheathed his bone, and delivered a painful blow to Ranma's ribcage. Ranma cringed and held a hand on the place he had been hit. Ranma looked at Josh with a stare that could scare the wool off a sheep. Ranma shot a hefty punch at Josh's forehead. Josh simply took a step back, rubbed his head and faced his appontent. The next thing that happened went by too fast for most people to see. Nate caught it, though- Josh threw his bone, boomerang style. It crashed straight into Ranma's shoulders sending him flying 200 feet backwards and out of the dojo. Ranma got up angrily and charged at Josh. Josh had no control over the thing he did next. Ranma was about a yard away from him and Josh jumped up and swung the bone down on Ranma's head, with enough force to split a rock. Ranma fell to the ground, unconsious. Suddenly Josh regained his senses and realized he had defeated Ranma.  
Josh paused, looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you, great gramps." Then he jumped up into the air, threw his bone up through the ceiling, and fell to the ground, asleep.  
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Dr. Tofu, upon examination, said that Ranma had a slight skull fracture. Nothing serious. Josh had chronic exhaustion. He also had Akane.  
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It was Nate's turn. Shampoo wished both combatants luck. Ranma didn't hate Nate quite as much as he did Josh, but he liked Shampoo better than Akane.   
Ranma started out the battle by jumping high in the air and doing an elbow drop directly into Nate's face. Nate kicked Ranma off of him and he landed 10 feet away. Nate unsheathed his saber and swished it gingerly, beckoning Ranma. Ranma looked confused. Nate jumped up quickly and slashed off the top of Ranma's hair. Everyone in the dojo laughed, except Josh, who was still asleep. One fat woman fell off her chair. Ranma's blood boiled. He came up behind Nate before Nate could turn around and punched him in the back of the head. Nate turned around and socked him in the eye. Ranma punched Nate three times in the gut and kicked him 12 feet away. Nate felt his head bleeding.   
Genma was out in the crowd. He started to think, 'uh-oh...'  
Nate lay on the ground, the top part of his body supported by his elbows. He turned around and noticed a large bucket of icy cold water.   
Nate jumped up and threw the cold water in Ranma's face.   
There stood in front of him a shocked and horrified (not to mention drenched) redhead with half of her red chopped off.   
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ROUND TWO  
Someone had poured warm water on Ranma so he would turn back into a boy. He also managed to change his clothes and buy a hat. Josh had regained consciousness. But the cold water trick had saved Nate time, as he had hoped it would.   
Nate started the fight this time but Ranma was clearly winning. He had kicked Nate six times in the leg and three times Nate fell down. He had three black eyes (how that was done we'll never know) and all the wind was knocked out of him ,but worst of all, his saber had been knocked out of reach.   
Nate managed to grab Ranma's leg and trip him at one point. Nate got up and kicked Ranma twice in the chin (His feet, at least, were in reasonable shape). Ranma went for the ribcage, as someone in the audience had suggested and Nate was down. But what's this? Nate was down, exactly 3 feet away from his saber. Nate picked himself up and did a mule kick into Ranma's chest. This gave him time to pick up the saber. Ranma got up again, and Nate cut off his right arm. It went flying into the audience, and someone caught it and passed out.  
Dr. Tofu attempted to patch Ranma up, but to no avail. Ranma passed out.   
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It's another busy day at the Ancient Keg. Needless to say, Akane and Shampoo are there. Akane is serving drinks, and Shampoo is takeing orders. Beaten and bruised, Ranma sits in the corner, wallowing in the mix of his broken pride and ego.   
  
  
THE END  
  
----------------------------------------------------Alternate ending #1  
Nate and Josh were to fight Ranma at the same time. This suggestion was made by Ranma. A crowd had gathered in the dojo. Shampoo and Akane wished all three combatants luck and the fight began.  
As soon as the battle began, Nate and Josh ran from Ranma in opposite directions like two flaming rabbits. Ranma got a mean look on his face, that of a schoolyard bully.  
"I knew you two baka would chicken out! Heh heh! That was too easy!"  
A quarter of a second later Nate came charging at Ranma from the left and Josh from the right. They both slammed into him like a pair of badly aimed fastballs and Ranma shot straight up towards the roof. Josh scuffed an "x" on the floor with the tip of his bone, and a second later Ranma came crashing down on it. In fact, Nate and Josh weren't chicken, this was their signature "double team" move.  
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Alternate Ending #2  
Ranma manage to literally kill both Josh and Nate, but they came back to haunt him- or least kick his ass.  
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End file.
